When Pigs Fly
by BellaFlan
Summary: Crack fic - slightly OC. Bella seeks sex advice from Emmett. It involves a drunk pig. Need I say more? For Mature audiences only! Contains graphic language, sexual acts and an incident of slash. None of these acts are performed on the pig though.
1. Wilbur and Bean

**Author's note: Crackfic three-shot upon request of Untraceable. I can't quite believe the absolute fuckery I invent sometimes. I own nothing but the drunk pig. No copyright infringement is intended and no pigs are harmed in the writing of this stupidity.  
**

Apparently, you can't buy a pig in Port Angeles. Weird, no? I had to go all the way to Seattle to find the little pot bellied darling. There's no way I was subjecting a puppy or kitty to my horrible plan. Seattle was also a good place to buy whiskey because no one knew I was only eighteen.

The whiskey is named Bean and the pig I've called Wilbur. I shouldn't have named either though. It's cruel to form an emotional attachment to food.

So, yeah, I have a plan involving a pig, a bottle of Jim Beam and vampire sex advice from Emmett. Honestly, it has to be Emmett because I couldn't fathom this conversation with Jasper or Carlisle and there is no way in Hell I would let Edward know that I'm terrified.

I had to know what to expect and after refrigerating my dildo for cold vampire penis practise, I realized I was kind of out of options. I needed advice from an owner of said penis. I had to have my questions answered by someone who wouldn't beat around the proverbial bush. Ahem.

...But to do that I had to get drunk.

...Also, I think Emmett should be drunk too.

...Hence Wilbur.

Oh, and I don't drink and drive, which is why I'm currently sitting in the Cullen driveway with aforementioned bottle of Beam (Bean) and pig. About five shots in, I remember that I don't drink. It's Wilbur's turn.

"Drink it," I order the pig and he snorts, not impressed. I mix it with water and bread and say, "Eat it."

Wilbur is decidedly incredulous.

"Suey!" I snap.

Wilbur takes a tentative bite of my bread 'n Bean concoction. He decides it's passable and makes a pig of himself. This isn't a stretch.

It's as funny as fuck, though! Oh, neat. I swear when I'm drunk.

"Bella?" Emmett opens the front door.

"Fuck," I greet him.

"Are you drunk, Little Sis?" He is surprised.

"You know what? I think that I am!"

Emmett sniffs the air with a sour expression on his face. "Do you and this pig have anything to do with the reason Alice convinced everyone to get out of the house this evening?"

I giggle and sway. "Yeah, I'm thinking threesome. But if it's too weird, I can give you and Wilbur some privacy."

Emmett is speechless. Neat.

Wilbur burps and falls over. I think it's pretty funny so I burp and laugh.

Emmett lifts me off the ground. "Let's do this!" he agrees.

_What??_

He throws me over his shoulder and takes the stairs at vampire speed, maybe six at a time.

"Wilbur," I manage breathlessly.

"Got him."

Wilbur is tucked under his arm like a football. A pig skin.

"Wait!"

"Yeeessss?"

"I'm not having sex with a pig," I explain earnestly. "And certainly not with Wilbur, either."

"Ah, man." Emmett sets me down on Edward's leather sofa and smiles a shit-eating grin. "Dude, your expression is priceless!"

My face is flushed and I'm sweating profusely. "Do you know why I'm here?"

"Ah-huh, Alice told me to expect you...although you're going to have to explain the pig 'cause I got no fucking clue."

"We have to get drunk first. I can't have this conversation sober." Already, I'm mortified.

"Ok. So you're obviously drunk but it still doesn't explain the drunken pig. Is it a prop? Because I'm not fucking the pig either."

"Um, no. I want you to be drunk too. I figured, if the pig had alcohol in his bloodstream than maybe you'd get drunk."

"Ah shit, Bell. You're a fucking mad-genius. There's no way this is going to work but just the idea that you got a pig drunk for me is the sickest fucking gesture." I scowl at his response and prepare to storm out of the room however I trip over Wilbur.

Emmett catches me and slaps my behind. "Where ya going, perky tits? Teacher says that class is now in session so sit your sweet ass down and take notes."

"I'm not drunk enough for this." I take a swig out of Bean and look sorrowfully at Wilbur. "Don't kill my pig. I think I love him."

"Sure thing. Now let's get down to brass tacks. What do you want to know?"

"Everything. I have no clue what I'm doing and don't want to make any mistakes. I also have no idea what to expect and Edward will put a stop to it if he thinks I'm uncomfortable."

"So, you want to avoid surprises?"

"Knowledge is power." I explain and take another swig. Actually, I can't even taste the whiskey anymore.

"How you doing over there, Little Sis." Emmett is amused.

"Bloody fantastic, Big Bro."

"All of this trouble that you're going through for Edward. Why not just wait until he changes you? It'll probably be much better as a vampire anyway."

"Yeah, well I have no basis for comparison but this human needs it bad."

Emmett nearly chokes on his own tongue as he laughs. "What do you need, baby?"

"Edward's cock." I tell him my shameful secret and enjoy the bewildered expression on his face. "I'm gagging for it."

**Author's Note: This is kind of a companion crack piece to The 100 Year-Old Virgin. Reviews are my brand of drunken pig.**


	2. La Tua Cantante

**Author's Note: This really isn't a Bella/Emmett story but it's definitely straddling the boundary.**

"Shit, come here you little slut! Uncle Emmett is turned on."

I scowl and stick out my tongue.

"Don't show me that unless you plan on using it."

"You're seriously sick, Emmett." I try to take another swig of Beam but the bottle is ripped out of my hands. "What the fuck??"

"That's enough of Belly-on-Beam. You're too close to passing out. Edward will kill me if I let you get alcohol poisoning."

"Edward's going to kill you anyway when he hears the way you're talking to me."

Emmett's booming laugh fills the room. "Edward has access to my thoughts twenty-four-seven. He knows I'm depraved."

I try to look at Emmett but he's gone blurry around the edges. "Do you think I'm sexy?"

Emmett stops laughing. "Shit Belly-Beam. That's a stupid fucking question."

"Fuck you!" I stand, intending on fleeing in acute embarrassment but the floor is trying to trip me. Wilbur snorts in disgust at Emmett's insult. I stumble and land on all fours. My eyes meet Emmett's even though I didn't mean to look at him.

Emmett isn't moving. Actually, he looks a little disturbed. "Yeah, I think you're really fucking sexy. Now Edward's gonna kill me, so I hope you're happy."

"I don't understand?" I really don't. Is he teasing me still?

He pulls me off the ground, again giving me a really strange look. "You shouldn't drink. You're not acting like yourself."

"Well, you're acting pretty fucking weird too. Are you going to help me out or not."

"Yeah," he says roughly.

I sit down again on the couch and pull Wilbur onto my lap. The pig is starting to doze.

"So, I have a question." Emmett has sat beside me on the couch so I pause. My face is positively burning, totally flushed in disgrace. "What's stronger of an urge for a male vampire....blood or sex."

"Depends."

"On what?"

"How thirsty the vamp is. When the thirst is sated, other needs become apparent. Speaking from experience, once I'm turned on, the need to come is stronger than anything else."

"Oh." I look down and notice a growing bulge at Emmett's crotch.

_Holy fucking crow!!!_

"You're not, um- I mean..." I'm stammering. "Are you?"

"Can't help it," he groans. "This is fucking hot! I'm so sorry Bells. I'm gonna go."

"Wait, Emmett! Please? I have more questions. I won't tell Edward that I made you, um, horny."

Emmett actually looks ashamed. It makes me kind of love him even more...the affection isn't quite sisterly but I'm only human. I wouldn't actually ever entertain fooling around with him no matter how drunk I am but I can't help the arousal I feel knowing that I can actually turn him on. Edward never shows any indication that I've affected him in the same way.

"Do I make Edward horny?"

"Yeah, Bells. You make him fucking crazy. Dude takes the longest showers ever."

"What do you mean?"

"Shit, Jasper and I swore we wouldn't...Okay. It looks like you need the reassurance. So there was this one time and shit, Bells, I don't know what you did to the poor guy but he came home with this raging hard-on. Dude was half crazed with lust. So he goes upstairs to choke the chicken while Jasper and I are playing Halo. Anyways, we hear him fucking trying to toss his own salad while screaming your name and fucking Jasper picks up on the horn-ball lust."

Emmett stops speaking and seems to gasp for air at the memory.

"I don't know what it was but the mix of his fucking need for your pussy, mixed with the raw testosterone of us blowing shit up in the game and suddenly both Jasper and I are fucking hard too. The next thing I know, we're both fucking jerking ourselves off on the couch."

"Both of you??" I am incredulous and now really horny too.

"Yeah. Jasper's an emotional mirror. We came at the same time fucking screaming your name. Edward was not happy."

I try to wrap my head around this. "Edward jerked off while thinking about me?"

"Yeah. He does it several times a day only now he gives us warning. Just like he always hunts so that he won't crave your blood, he also tames his shit so that he doesn't blow his wad every time he touches you."

I'm smiling. "He wants me...like he 'wants me' wants me?"

"Yeah, Belly-Beam. Don't ever doubt it. He wants your sweet ass more than he wants your blood. You're his fucking singer only it's your pussy, not your blood that is the siren."

I'm his pussy singer! I feel myself throbbing in excitement.

Wait, did Emmett just tell me that him and Jasper jerked off together while thinking about me?

"Holy fucking crow!"

**Author's Note: And this little piggy went "wee, wee, wee" all the way home. Haha!**


	3. Edward Says

"So vampires can come...like, um, ejaculate and stuff."

"yeah-huh." Emmett is looking down at his crotch as if seeking its approval.

"What comes out?" Now I'm looking at it too.

"Jizz...Wanna see?"

"No!" I squeak and snap my head away from his little buddy so quickly I nearly give myself whiplash. Emmett is laughing. Oh, I guess he was joking.

"You wanna hear something weird?" His voice has taken on the tone of a conspirator.

"Sure."

"It's not venomous. It looks, smells and even tastes just like it did when I was human."

"Neat." That might have been too much information.

"So you can ride Edward bareback. No venom will burn your love canal."

I may look a little stunned, I'm not sure, but Emmett's face is one big question mark.

"Do you think I killed Wilbur?" Evasion is my only lifeboat in this terrible situation.

"He's breathing. If he's suffering brain damage I doubt it will be of consequence...Bella?"

I'm studying my hands because suddenly they are very interesting. "Yeah?"

"You do know what- that is...you know what intercourse is, right?"

"Shit, Emmett! I'm not six. Of course I do...I've just never done it but I understand where everything goes." This is not a lie. I do, in theory, understand the mechanics behind it."How does..."

He is looking at my hands trying to figure out what is so interesting, no doubt. "How does what?"

Oh Hell, I'm in blood so far stepped I might as well ask my question. "How does it fit, I mean, it's such a narrow space?" I'm speaking as quickly as I possibly can.

Emmett does not laugh, as I expect him too. He's looking at me with that same, focused expression he did when I asked him if he thought I was sexy. In hindsight, not the brightest question.

"You'll open to accommodate him. You know, how it opens and gets wet when you touch yourself?"

I shake my head. I tried touching myself a few times but I felt much too silly. I'm pretty much horny and frustrated twenty-four-seven.

"Shit, Belly-Beam, you've never flicked the Belly-Bean?"

I feel like crying I'm so embarrassed. My lower lip starts to tremble.

"Yeah, I'd fucking cry too if I never had a release. OK, Bells; we can't have this conversation in any kind of serious way until you've had an orgasm. I'm gonna talk you through it."

"What?!" Was he on glue? "There's no way I'm getting my first orgasm from you."

"Sure you are."

"When pigs fly!" I look at Wilbur.

"I'm not going to touch your spasm chasm. You are going to explore it yourself. Just think of me as your guide. You can't explore a cave without a proper guide."

"You're disgusting," I say. So why am I so turned on? My fingers are drifting south to my fly.

"I am, indeed. Touch yourself, Belly-Beam. Do it for Edward. He wants you to be wet for him."

"No," I whisper but it's nearly a moan.

"Yes." His voice is stern, yet somehow wistful.

"I won't do it." What am I doing? No, I'm not undoing my fly. There's no way that I'm lowering my pants down my hips and sitting in front of Emmett in only my underwear. And I sure as Hell didn't just dip my fingers below the elastic.

"That's a good girl. Don't be scared," his voice is so strained and raspy. "Edward wants you to feel good, Love. Make yourself wet for him. Push your love button until your juices start to spill. Rub it and pinch it the way Edward always pictures himself doing it."

Holy fucking shitting crow!!! Oh my God! I'm rubbing it and blood engorges the entire area. My pussy is on fire with want as I listen to Emmett's directions and picture Edward's fingers in place of my own.

"Edward wants to fuck you so badly, Bella. Can you feel how much he wants you? How hard is cock is for you?"

I start to moan and move my fingers inside of me. My panties are falling lower down my hips, exposing my dark hair to Emmett but I don't even care. I like that Emmett can see this. I like it so much that I push my underwear down even lower and turn away from him so that he can see my bum.

"Oh, fuck," he groans. "You're so fucking hot."

"Tell me what to do, Emmett? What does Edward want me to do?"

"He wants you to lie down and take those dirty little panties off completely."

I close my eyes and lower them completely. I'm only wearing a shirt. I've never been this exposed in my life.

"That's a good girl. I want your panties." I open my eyes and Emmett is licking his lips. I toss my underwear at his face.

"You're disgusting," I tell him and spread my legs slightly. "Now what does Edward want me to do?"

Emmett inhales my panties and says, "I'm so fucking disgusting. I'm sorry, Bella."

"Shut the fuck up and tell me what Edward wants me to do."

"He wants you to take your shirt off. He wants you to rub your titties for him."

I lift my sweater over my head and rub my nipples over my bra.

"Edward wants you to take that nasty bra off too. He wants to see your tits, Bella. He wants to watch your nipples get hard for him."

I unhook the bra and toss it at Emmett's head too. I smirk as he sniffs it.

"You're so disgusting, Emmett."

"So disgusting," he agrees. "Finger yourself for me, Bells."

"For Edward, you pig!"

"Yeah, sorry. Do it for Edward." He is stroking his hard-on over his jeans.

"Emmett?"

"Yeah, Belly-Beam?"

"Rosalie wants you to rub your cock."

**Author's Note: I couldn't resist taking the story here! Edward wants you to review this craptacular fic.**


	4. Ode to Joy

Yeah, I'm pretty sure I went too far with that one but currently I'm buck naked and masturbating so whatever line I was worried about crossing is clearly crossed, dotted and shat on.

Emmett is absolutely delirious. "Yeah, Belly-Beam. Let's do this together. We'll come together."

I shut my eyes and hear him unzip. My eyes are closed for maybe two seconds when I venture a peek and he's completely nude already, tugging furiously on his massive hard-on. His eyes are fixed on my sex. I'm pushing my finger frantically up against this beautiful piece of real estate I just discovered about half a finger in. "So good," I moan and Emmett slows his beat, bringing his fingers up to the head of his cock into an almost delicate fondle.

"What's so good? Talk to me, baby. Tell me what you're feeling."

I slow my pace to match his. "I don't know," I breath. "I found a spot that's like nothing I've ever felt."

Emmett's dick twitches in his hand. "Ah, sweetie. Congratulations, you've found the holy grail of the pussy on your first venture in! It's the G-spot. Memorize it. Map the coordinates because you'll want to pay tribute to this monument frequently."

"I'll never let go," I promise and pick up speed to match Emmett's new rhythm. Oh shit, I was on the precipice of something sublime.

Suddenly, a few things happen at once...

Emmett's yells, "Fuck!" and throws his jeans on...

Wilbur squeals and cowers back to life, only to piss himself in fear and pass out again...

The double-doors are thrown open with an angry thrust and Emmett is bounced off the ceiling by a flash of white and gray...

All of these things are happening seemingly at once before I can even remove my finger and I have my first orgasm while Emmett is being assaulted.

Reflexively, I moan "Fuck me, Edward. I'm coming!" My walls contract around me as the blurry figure trying to murder Emmett comes into focus.

I am met with Edward's bewildered face. He is a deer caught in the headlights of my pussy.

"Bella?" His voice isn't angry at all but full of awe. It doesn't matter. I'm screaming in embarrassment, curling up into a ball and crying.

"No, no, no!!! I'm so sorry, Edward. I'm so ashamed of myself." It's true. I want to die.

"This is my fault, Belly," Emmett soothes and turns to face his attacker. "Dude, I'm so sorry...she was so frustrated. Really, I was only trying to help. Things just got out of hand."

Edward is at my side, shielding my nudity with his grey jacket. "I'm depraved! I'm a sex-crazed freak."

"Shhh, love. Please, you have no reason to be embarrassed," Edward placates and draws my half-naked body into his lap.

"Yes I do," I insist. "I pleasured myself in front of your idiot brother and intoxicated that pig."

Edward takes notice of Wilbur and finds his explanation in Emmett's mind. "You've intoxicated both pigs, it seems. I'm so sorry, Bella. I'm so sorry you had to resort to this kind of desperation." He kisses the hollow under my ear and nearly sobs. "I was a fool to deny you what you so obviously craved beyond all reason."

"You're going to leave me. This is beyond repair." I wrap my fingers around his neck ready to beg but Emmett interrupts.

"Will you two just fuck each other and get it over with already? This situation never would have happened in the first place, Edward, if you acted like a man instead of a pansy-ass. Belly-Beam, you're too fucking hot for your own good. You need to stop walking around in denial. You're one of sexiest pieces of ass I've ever known. Have some fucking pride!"

"Um...thanks?"

Edward hisses and seems to be fighting against engaging in an offensive strike. I grab his face in my hands to pull his attention away from his brother when his nostrils flare in the direction of my finger.

"What's that...that smell. It's beautiful." He pulls my disgraced finger into his mouth to taste the evidence of my maiden expedition.

"I'm sorry, Edward."

"Don't fucking apologize! That smell should not be a fucking mystery to you, Gaynard!" Emmett rages at Edward. He jumps off of the bed and wraps his arms around me too.

"Do not touch her."

"Why not? It's not like you do."

"Please don't fight," I sob. "I just want to put my clothes back on and pretend this never happened. I never want to have an orgasm ever again. It's just not worth it!"

"You had an orgasm?" both of them gasp in unison.

"I- I think so?"

"Bella," Edward says tenderly. "How is it that you're uncertain?"

I can't face him as reveal, "It was my first." Both men tighten their hold on me.

"All of this time, you've had no release? Nothing??" Edward's face is so apologetic. He pushes the fabric of his jacket down off my shoulder and kisses the exposed flesh. Emmett moves his hand down to my stomach and pulls me off of Edward's lap and onto his.

"N-no," I stammer. Edward does not object to Emmett's hands on my stomach so he moves one down lower to my pelvis and rocks me against his leg. I buck against his hand and moan. Edward busies himself by fondling my breasts. He pushes his face between them and licks the valley while lightly pinching my nipples.

"Help us, Em? Show me what to do without hurting her?"

I want to tell Edward that I trust him, that he would never hurt me but as Emmett guides Edward's fingers against my clit the words catch on my tongue.

"Ode to Joy," Emmett instructs. "Play her like a piano."

"Freude, schöner Götterfunken," Edward whispers against my opening while tickling my ivories. I'd seen that title on the sheet music, the proper German. He scales the full octave, his thumb is pressed firmly against my clit while his index finger dips into my opening. I start to hum the melody between moans.

"Lie back against me Bells," Emmett instructs and I obey. "Edward, add the bass line to the composition. Fondle her ass."

His fingers assault both of my openings. At first my ass clenches prudishly, however the combined sensations of Edward working my southern hemisphere and Emmett my northern, swiftly crumbles my sense of propriety. I am now one horny slut!

"Taste her, Edward. Keep strumming the clit but put your tongue inside her sweet spot. Bella, push his head down until he reaches your holy grail. He can find it with your help. I'm gonna handle my shit now. You guys will be fine."

Emmett removes his hands from my tits and pushes me off of him towards Edward. "No! I want to do it...Edward, may I?"

He responds by plunging his tongue into me and using the bass hand to motion for Emmett to come back to me. Edward flips me over, somehow anticipating Emmett's next instruction, (right, mind-reader; I forgot). My head is now resting on Em's lap. He undoes his jeans at breakneck speed and presents me with his cock.

"What do I do?" I'm a little bit terrified. It's very big and I may have bitten off more than I could chew.

"Silly, Bella. You said you would handle my shit. Suck it! Go fucking ape shit on me while lover boy down there makes you come."

I pull his icy member into my fist and give a tentative lick. It tastes alright, I guess. I pull the tip between my lips at the same instant that Edward reaches my spot and I cry out, bucking against his tongue. Emmett uses the opportunity to thrust his meat-stick through my lips and into my mouth. I gurgle a moan and start sucking with enthusiasm. I've lost all self-consciousness and I'm more than eager to thank Emmett for his lessons with my tongue. I feel his excitement throb inside of me and I add gentle pressure with my teeth. I am rewarded with a deeply satisfied moan.

"I'm gonna...no, wait." He cups my face in his hands to hold it still for a moment. "Alright, Edward. It's time to take her home. Move your tongue to her clit and find her spot again with your finger. Insert it palm up because that sucker is at the top of the love canal.

"How will I know for sure when I've reached it-"

"Fuuuuck! Oh fuck, Edward!!! I need it so badly. Make me come"

"That's how." Emmett smirks and thrusts against me. I start sucking him again, allowing him to set the pace. My head does not move now because I nearly forget what I'm doing. I'm distracted by the glorious sensations that are swirling from my sex up my pelvis and settling in my stomach. The heat inside me rises to a fever pitch and I'm so overcome with want that I barely notice when Emmett's cock grazes the back of my throat.

"Spit or swallow, Bells?"

"Guh?"

He pulls out of my mouth and opts to shower my back instead. I am enthralled by the pulsing white jets of fluid that spray out of him as he moans my name.

"Fuck, Bella. You're so fucking hot!" He leans to kiss my cheek in thanks but I pull his mouth to mine and accost him with my tongue.

"Suck it!" I taunt and he obeys. He kisses me wetly and deeply while Edward drives his fingers deep within my core.

I pull away from the kiss and cry out Edward's name because my walls are clenching around his fingers. I've found the crescendo of my climax as Edward now strums me like a guitar. Each pluck drives me higher and higher. I reach my greatest height and hum with euphoria.

"Oh, Edward...so good."

I grab Edward's hands and pull his face to mine. "I love you," he tells me, his eyes are black with want.

"I love you...thank you."

"That's sweet," Emmett taunts. "Alright, Gaynard. Take off your pants. Bella needs to return the favour."

**Author's Note: One more chapter to follow and I will be spent. Review me, bitches! The more reviews I get the bigger Eddie's cock will be. Haha.**


	5. When Pigs Fly Again

**Author's Note: I was not satisfied with the pacing of the last chapter to I've done a re-write. Hope you find this version a little more satisfying. Not too much difference, just more detail.**

I'm covered in sweat and blissfully happy, my eyes still fixed on Emmett's naked form. In moments I would finally lay my eyes upon Edward, in all of his glory. His beauty is by far the sweetest torture I've ever known. Finally, _finally_ I would know him completely.

"May I return the favour, Edward?" I bite my lip in anticipation. He simply cannot deny me!

"Bella." His voice is unduly cautious and it kills my buzz instantly. "Can you not be satisfied in reaching your own oblivion? I'm absolutely terrified of losing control and hurting you."

I snort like Wilbur in response, filling with hateful rage. Of course he would deny me, he always does. Maybe I should teach _him _a lesson about rejection. "Emmett could handle it just fine." I wrap my arms around Emmett's waist and moan, "I want some more. Who wants to give it to me? "

"P-Please, Bella. Let go of him." Edward looks really jealous and it makes me so hot. I feel powerful and wanted again so I grab Emmett's cock which instantly hardens to my touch.

"No, Belly-Beam," Emmett admonishes. "I've already had the pleasure of your mouth. It's Edward's turn."

"Edward isn't interested," I snap and tease his tip. I am instantly pulled away.

"You belong to me!" Edward is furious.

I put on my best Sookie Stackhouse southern drawl and explain to Emmett, "I am his."

The three of us are at some sort of impasse. I am about to sulk when a sick idea occurs to me.

"Emmett, you should do it to him...return the favour."

Neither vampire is impressed by my suggestion. "Not gonna happen!"

"Wait, hear me out?" I plead. "So, Edward needs to know what to expect because he's afraid of hurting me, right?"

Both men nod their heads but Emmett suggests, "So, let's get Alice to do it."

Edward and I wrinkle our noses in disgust. "No, Emmett. She's my best friend and it wouldn't be fair to Jasper. Rosalie, on the other hand..."

Emmett and Edward seem to dislike this suggestion as much as I expected. "C'mon, Emmett. You totally owe him the favour...me too."

"Oh yeah? How so?"

"You took advantage of me, you disgusting pig! Plus I sucked your dick. You should have to suck Edward's as penance."

Emmett is about to argue but instead shoots a guilty look at Edward. "I'm so sorry, Bells. I adore you and am sickened by the way you must think of me. How can I fix this?

Holy fucking crow, I think they are actually considering it! Before either one changes their mind I continue with my messed-up logic, "Honestly, Emmett. What I've proposed is really the only way we can make things right between us. Things have to get a whole lot weirder before we can go back to normal. Now, Emmett, you helped both of us out which we are very grateful for. I showed my gratitude already. It's time you show your gratitude to Edward for sharing me. "

"This is so fucked up," Emmett laments but still, doesn't say no. "Even if I agree to it, what makes you think Gaynard will?"

Edward narrows his eyes in disgust. "Edward will do it because he knows that I need this. He'll do it because it's what's right for _us_." I am pleading with my eyes now and Edward nods his head once.

"Please, Emmett?" I beg. "I'll let you touch me while you're doing it."

He looks longingly at my pussy for a minute and then concedes, "We tell no one."

I'm so excited I'm practically buzzing. "Take your pants off, Edward." It's a command, not a request. His hands are shaking as he undoes his black leather belt. He always wears a belt which, for some reason, I find adorable. His jeans are well faded, but the kind of faded that only money can buy. I watch him lower the zipper and push the pants down over his hips. I barely notice that I'm licking my lips in anticipation.

He is wearing white boxer shorts, very simple. I also notice that there isn't a tent forming yet.

"Wait, Edward. I want you to kiss me first." I wrap my arms around his neck and draw his hands up to my breasts. I then take his bare knee between my thighs and start riding it like a pony, spilling my juices onto his skin. He moans into my mouth and I draw my tongue down his chin and neck, biting and sucking as I go. "Let me- may I...take them off?"

I don't wait for a response and immediately dive my fingers into the elastic of his shorts. With a swift tug I have unleashed his glorious beast and it is beyond anything I could have imagined--and believe me, I've spent hours upon hours imagining it. Now I could commit it to memory.

His cock is nearly as big as Emmett's but far more beautiful. It's straight and smooth and perfect. I never wanted anything as much in my life. I have little basis for comparison, but I'm pretty sure it is the most beautiful member forged by man or god, ever. I want to say all of these things to Edward but what actually escapes my lips is, "Oh, wow. I want it."

"Yeah, well, get in line," Emmett says and pulls me onto his lap. "Lie back," he instructs and pushes a finger up against my g-spot at the first thrust. He closes his eyes and pulls Edward into his mouth and, to my utter astonishment, both of them moan instantly at the contact.

"Fuck," Edward swears and stares at me with wide eyes. "Bella," he moans and reaches his hand forward to touch my breast while Emmett takes long, surprisingly sensuous licks of his length.

It's a strange triangle to say the least. I'm sitting on Emmett's lap on the couch, Edward is leaning into us so that Em can suck his cock while Edward fondles me. I know I'll be drawing inspiration from this visual for lifetimes to come so I'm careful to pay close attention to detail.

"Fuck, Emmett, I'm going to," Edward tries to pull away but Em won't let him, digging his hands into his ass to hold him in place deep within his throat. Edward releases in his mouth as I find my third orgasm of the evening.

I am completely mind-fucked. Emmett didn't even spit.

As soon as it's over, Edward and I huddle into an embrace while Emmett wipes his face with his sleeve, completely bewildered.

We all stare at each other in silence for a few minutes.

"I'm not gay," Emmett says suddenly.

I nod my head in response.

Edward helps me back into my clothes and then dresses himself but Emmett still has not moved. I think we may have fucked him up beyond repair. Maybe I should call Carlisle for help?

"Edward?"

"Yes, Emmett?"

"You tell anyone I swallowed and I'll dismember you."

"I'll never say a word."

"Edward?"

"Yes, Emmett?"

"You gonna eat that pig?"

--

**Epilogue**

"Alice, I refuse to wear this under my wedding dress."

"Come out, Bella! Let me see?"

We are shopping for underwear because Alice had a vision (so she says) that Edward will die if I don't purchase a La Perla corset. Yesterday she told me that we needed to cover the entire house in freesia for the wedding or else the Volturi will destroy Forks. I'm starting to doubt her moral fibre.

"I'm not wearing this!" I insist and stamp my foot.

"Lemme see?" Alice smiles widely. "Oh, Edward is going to love it!"

"No, Alice. I can't breathe."

"Of course you can't breathe. That's why it gives you such amazing cleavage."

"No, Alice. This is me putting my foot down. I'm going to wear my regular bra and underwear. I'll be uncomfortable enough as it is."

"I don't think so, Bella," Alice trills.

"Oh, I know so!"

"Ahem, Bell?"

"Yes Alice?"

"You'll wear your old brassiere and granny panties on your wedding day..." She pauses dramatically to make sure I have her attention... "_When pigs fly_!"

_Holy fucking crow!_

It's been said that you should never bet against Alice.

"So, how are we doing?" The nosy salesperson inquires and I toss the corset at her face.

"We'll take it," I grumble.

**C'est la fin**

**Author's Note: Thanks for reading and reviewing. I hope this was as good for you as it was for me.**


End file.
